...She's got broken things, where her heart should be...
Once upon a time, I believed in fairy tales. I believed in a knight in shining armor, being swept off my feet, and living happily ever after. (...and a castle in the woods, talking dishes, and a library bigger than I could imagine. Thanks Disney.) I wanted to dance around in that massive gold ball gown with the person who needed help loving and seeing their potential. I wanted to be their rock, not realizing I needed one too. While I may not have done life the Belle way, reality is, I still gave up so much of myself for someone else. I'm not blaming anyone, I willingly did so to make that person my number one. I forgot that taking care of others meant taking care of myself...loving myself...being happy with myself. All the choices along the way, whether I wanted them or not, led me to where I am today. I knew from the beginning that marriage would be work and ours didn't even start off great. However, I vowed I would pour my heart and soul into it because I loved him and for the longest time, I did just that. As the years went by and life became more chaotic, our daily routine became the norm. The feeling of loneliness slowly started creeping in and eventually I was suffocating. I could go in to detail, but I'll save you the boredom. Here's where I went wrong. First off, I know I'm a bitch. There's no denying it. I have this mean sarcastic humor, I'm a bit of a control freak, and I'm positive I'm difficult to live with. Second, I SUCK AT COMMUNICATION. For reals, I suck. When something bothers me, I keep it inside. It's better for me to not show my emotions or not talk about things, instead of resolving issues. I certainly am not taking the blame for everything that happened and should have happened during our marriage, but I am taking away a lot of life lessons. I may not ever be ready for this again, but if I am, I hope that the same mistakes aren't made...on either end. Reminder to self: nothing is fool proof.
People change and life is unpredictable. I know that the process of letting go of the bitterness, embracing my imperfections, and learning to be alone is going to take time, but I hope that as the kids grow they can see how much I truly did love their dad.
Relationships are 50/50. It's hard to feel like you're giving more than you're getting, and when the love and respect are lacking, well...
