All the single ladies

"Now put your hands up

Up in the club, we just broke up, 

I'm doing my own little thing"

Whoa whoa whoa...calm down there Shannon. First off, it's been almost a whole year since you have even thought about writing, let's not scare all those (4) readers away with your singing. 

Anywho, I just want to take a minute to talk about the D word. That's right, divorce. I mean, I'm loving the single (as fuck, mind you), not having to share a bed with someone, walk around my house naked, eat ice cream for dinner, and the peace and quiet when the kids are with their dad, life, but it's not as glamorous as it seems. I don't think I've been this broke since I was, hmm, 12, and sometimes the quiet is too quiet. Trying to co-parent and still be civil sucks the life right out of me, and other times I'd like to bash my head into a wall. 

(Cause, seriously??? Ok, I won't even go there...but here I am, still breathing, and have yet to patch any drywall, hashtag, winning.) 

I think about why I wanted this, and when I decided I'd had enough. I have had so many people come to me recently asking questions about my separation and divorce, for advice in their own marriage, and even support. Maybe I'm not the best spokesperson for living a life you've always dreamed of, but listen, you sure as hell shouldn't be living a life of regrets and unhappiness. In the last year and a half I've struggled, a lot. I've cried, I've fought with myself, and struggled some more, but I can honestly say I'm the happiest I've been in a really {REALLY} long time. Other people see it, my kids see it, I see it. At the end of the day, all of these trials are worth it, because I'M FUCKING HAPPY. 

So here's to my haters, all the lovers, and the fighters: 

May you be in love with your life, and if you aren't, 

I hope you find the courage to start over. 

P.S. I hate Beyonce, and no, I don't want a ring on it. 

A lesson in romantics

...She's got broken things, where her heart should be...

Once upon a time, I believed in fairy tales. I believed in a knight in shining armor, being swept off my feet, and living happily ever after. (...and a castle in the woods, talking dishes, and a library bigger than I could imagine. Thanks Disney.) I wanted to dance around in that massive gold ball gown with the person who needed help loving and seeing their potential. I wanted to be their rock, not realizing I needed one too. While I may not have done life the Belle way, reality is, I still gave up so much of myself for someone else. I'm not blaming anyone, I willingly did so to make that person my number one. I forgot that taking care of others meant taking care of myself...loving myself...being happy with myself. All the choices along the way, whether I wanted them or not, led me to where I am today. I knew from the beginning that marriage would be work and ours didn't even start off great. However, I vowed I would pour my heart and soul into it because I loved him and for the longest time, I did just that. As the years went by and life became more chaotic, our daily routine became the norm. The feeling of loneliness slowly started creeping in and eventually I was suffocating. I could go in to detail, but I'll save you the boredom. Here's where I went wrong. First off, I know I'm a bitch. There's no denying it. I have this mean sarcastic humor, I'm a bit of a control freak, and I'm positive I'm difficult to live with. Second, I SUCK AT COMMUNICATION. For reals, I suck. When something bothers me, I keep it inside. It's better for me to not show my emotions or not talk about things, instead of resolving issues. I certainly am not taking the blame for everything that happened and should have happened during our marriage, but I am taking away a lot of life lessons. I may not ever be ready for this again, but if I am, I hope that the same mistakes aren't made...on either end. Reminder to self: nothing is fool proof.   

People change and life is unpredictable. I know that the process of letting go of the bitterness, embracing my imperfections, and learning to be alone is going to take time, but I hope that as the kids grow they can see how much I truly did love their dad. 

Relationships are 50/50.  It's hard to feel like you're giving more than you're getting, and when the love and respect are lacking, well...

That light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train

As I sit here writing my research paper for my final night of Experimental Psychology, I felt the need to procrastinate a bit. 

Ok, you know me, I always procrastinate, that's how I roll...

 It's not like my paper is due at midnight or anything.

 I was thinking about how crazy these last few years have been and how far I really have come. When I was younger I had this vision of how my life would be, but obviously, things didn't end up that way. Maybe these things happened for a reason, or maybe it's because of the good and bad choices I made. Whatever the case, I'm here...a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, an employee, and most of the time stressed the fuck out because I try to balance it all. 

I remember, a little over 3 years ago, when I took a drastic leap and enrolled at GCU to {FINALLY} finish my degree. I got the crazy looks and the "you'll never finish" talks. How was I going to do this on top of everything else going on in my life? Like for real, I had 3 kids under the age of 5...what was I thinking?? I knew I couldn't let myself down. I knew I wanted my kids to see that no matter how crazy life can be, you can achieve anything you put your mind to. AND I sure as hell wanted to prove people wrong. (guess what, I am.) HOLLA! 4 classes left and my "I'm just winging it" 3.5 GPA...I can see graduation right around the corner. Information has been requested, unofficial transcripts in the works for review, and by the end of the year, application for Naturopathic Medicine school has to be completed. Who knows if that is where I'll end up, but when you're passionate about something, make it a priority. 

My moral of the story is this, don't let things or people define you. Don't settle for mediocre. And certainly don't give up on the things you once wanted just because life got in the way. Embrace the good, the bad, the suck, and move forward. The only reason you should be looking back is to see how far you've come. 

No title is as good as any title

Tonight, I remembered I had a blog. 

I went through and read all my old posts (published and unpublished), and relived every feeling I had while writing them. Some were good, some were bad, but wow...what a roller coaster. 2015 was one big battle within myself and I am SO GLAD that it is behind me. My 30s list, well, I sorta bombed that. I crossed some things off, but am I upset that I didn't accomplish everything? Hell to the no. I know the drive within myself to reach my goals, and I will continue to take these baby steps on this long road to health, happiness, self-love, and self-worth. Every new day is a fresh start. Wipe the slate clean (or try to clean up your messes from the day before) and be a better person than you were yesterday. 

**cue Elsa**

p.s. the cold does bother me. that's why i live in the desert.

I'm sure 2016 is going to come with it's own challenges, but it's also going to be the BEST. YEAR. EVER. Want my advice? Whatever, I'm giving it to you anyways. Spend more time with family, veg out in front of the TV all weekend, and take that vacation you've been talking about. Step outside of your comfort zone and try something new, you may even like it. 

...and if you touch the butt, I want to know about it. :D

Message in a bottle, or blogpost. Same thing.

So, I started making a video to share with you, but it's weird watching myself. Instead, you just get to read my words and I'll spare you from looking at my silliness. 

I came across a question last week that said "If you had 30 seconds to share something with the world, what would it be?" I loved that question so much I figured I'd take my 30 seconds and run with it. (Warning: this may or may not be longer than 30 seconds. Don't judge, or read faster.)

First of all, I know many of you have been following my posts on Facebook and Instagram, and have seen a different side of me lately. You've had a glimpse at some of my struggles, and have watched me kick some of my doubts right in the ass. There's been highs, lows, and LOTS of soul searching going on over here. It's been a difficult road but I can tell you this, I truly have found my passion again. Deep down I knew I was capable of so much more, I just couldn't find my motivation. It wasn't that I didn't want the change, it was that I wasn't making any decisions to change. I feel like signing up for this crazy trail run (which I still want to puke about by the way) was the first step. I needed to prove to myself that I AM A BADASS, so I needed to start living like one! The countdown to Kansas is on and all I can think about is crossing that finish line...or my brother carrying me. Whichever works, right? 

Ok, getting back to my "sharing with the world" story...

I really believe that if you're struggling with who you are, tired of going with the flow of life, or just don't know what you're passionate about anymore, look for it. 

Search. 

Dig deep.

Go out and try new things. 

Make time. 

Live a little! 

It can be scary, but in the end it's worth it. If you're serious about changing your life and becoming the badass you truly are, you'll find a way to do it. If not, continue on with your excuses. Trust me when I say this, only you can decide to be happy. 

Real and uncensored

I was reading over my blog posts the last few months and there's one thing that stuck out. It's something that I have been talking about for a while and that something is change. I vowed to myself that I was going to start doing things that make me happy, and I knew some of those things weren't going to be easy. You see, I've fought with my inner demons for as long as I can remember. I've always strived for perfection, yet constantly beat myself up. It's a daily battle. I've always felt like I haven't been good enough for anyone or anything for that matter. I am the type of person that truly cares about the well being of others. I want to be there for people, to fix their problems, for them to know that they can come to me no matter what, however, when it comes to myself I can't open up or fix my own issues. 

I let myself get to a point to where I felt like I couldn't function anymore. The stress of life was eating away at me. Not only was I so unhappy with all these repressed feelings, I was a bitter and angry person. I knew the way I felt was affecting every aspect of my life and tried every day to fix it, but nothing helped. No matter how many times I woke up with the "today's a great day!" attitude, something would happen and I would snap. One day when Shane and I were arguing I told him that my children would be better off without me. I was failing as a mom and truly believed they didn't need me. I didn't know how I had gotten to that point, and I realized then that no matter how hard I tried to help myself it wasn't working.

Admitting that there was a problem was one of the hardest things I've done. Like I said, I'm a perfectionist and the feeling of failing was not easy to accept. (BTW, hiding the problem doesn't make it go away, I've tried that route...) Going to the doctor, sitting down, and saying out loud that I needed help made me want to throw up. However, it had to be done. I made that decision and stuck to it. Hearing someone else tell me I needed a lifestyle change hit me hard, my plate was full and I needed to scrape some things off in the trash. Learning to love myself wasn't going to happen overnight, but I know eventually it will. 

I want to tell you this: Depression sucks. Plain and simple. If you're struggling in any way, know you're not alone. Don't isolate yourself from others, and confide in someone you wholeheartedly trust. Realize when you're overwhelmed and get things off your chest. Make time to do things that you love, and do them passionately. Running has become a way I can clear my head, prioritize my never ending lists, and at the end of the day helps me feel accomplished for each mile that I gain. 

Speaking about this was never what I intended. However, I hope that I can make in impact, even if it's on one person. 

Teardrops on my guitar...if I owned one.

Wow, the last time I posted something was over a month ago! My poor blog, I'm sorry I've neglected you. I told myself I would keep up with this and need to because a) it was something I've always wanted to do and 2) it's cheaper than therapy. (Lord knows I'm far from perfect, so really, why go vent to someone when I can write to all of those who won't read this?) I'm definitely feeling like a girl lately, where I just need to take a time out and sob hysterically, then suck it up and move on. Everything, and I mean everything, is getting to me. Major problem: I don't let people in. I may look ok on the outside and everything seems picture perfect, but I'm a pro at pretending. Listen, I know what you're thinking. It's ok. This is just me and I've always been this way. Even the closest people in my life don't know how I feel or what is going on inside my head half of the time. Flaw #1.

It drives me insane when people ask me what is wrong when I'm not smiling. Everyone is entitled to their bad days and just because I'm having one doesn't mean I want to talk about. Eventually I'll get over it. I'm sure you have your own way of dealing, right? I know that I'm my own worst enemy. I also think too much, and maybe I'm too in depth and passionate about things or people. Flaw #2

Music has always been my outlet, it helps heal my soul. I know I can always blast some tunes, sing at the top of my lungs, and escape in the lyrics and beats for a bit. Let's talk about stress, baby, let's talk about...how I told myself I wasn't going to sweat the little things anymore, or big things for that matter. Um, hello...still do. Life, love, and the pursuit of happiness is flat out frustrating. Stress and I have been BFFs for a very long time and I don't see us breaking up anytime soon. Flaw #3.

I've disappointed myself lately. I really need to get my ass in gear with my 30s list, like now. I've only crossed a couple things off so far and that's not ok. My head has been elsewhere and I need to refocus. I've lost sight of things. Flaw #4.

(Please note: I have many flaws, not just 4.) 

Here's me, currently taking a step back and time to breathe, adjusting my lens, and taking another shot. Cause sometimes the first few aren't the best.