Message in a bottle, or blogpost. Same thing.

So, I started making a video to share with you, but it's weird watching myself. Instead, you just get to read my words and I'll spare you from looking at my silliness. 

I came across a question last week that said "If you had 30 seconds to share something with the world, what would it be?" I loved that question so much I figured I'd take my 30 seconds and run with it. (Warning: this may or may not be longer than 30 seconds. Don't judge, or read faster.)

First of all, I know many of you have been following my posts on Facebook and Instagram, and have seen a different side of me lately. You've had a glimpse at some of my struggles, and have watched me kick some of my doubts right in the ass. There's been highs, lows, and LOTS of soul searching going on over here. It's been a difficult road but I can tell you this, I truly have found my passion again. Deep down I knew I was capable of so much more, I just couldn't find my motivation. It wasn't that I didn't want the change, it was that I wasn't making any decisions to change. I feel like signing up for this crazy trail run (which I still want to puke about by the way) was the first step. I needed to prove to myself that I AM A BADASS, so I needed to start living like one! The countdown to Kansas is on and all I can think about is crossing that finish line...or my brother carrying me. Whichever works, right? 

Ok, getting back to my "sharing with the world" story...

I really believe that if you're struggling with who you are, tired of going with the flow of life, or just don't know what you're passionate about anymore, look for it. 

Search. 

Dig deep.

Go out and try new things. 

Make time. 

Live a little! 

It can be scary, but in the end it's worth it. If you're serious about changing your life and becoming the badass you truly are, you'll find a way to do it. If not, continue on with your excuses. Trust me when I say this, only you can decide to be happy. 

Real and uncensored

I was reading over my blog posts the last few months and there's one thing that stuck out. It's something that I have been talking about for a while and that something is change. I vowed to myself that I was going to start doing things that make me happy, and I knew some of those things weren't going to be easy. You see, I've fought with my inner demons for as long as I can remember. I've always strived for perfection, yet constantly beat myself up. It's a daily battle. I've always felt like I haven't been good enough for anyone or anything for that matter. I am the type of person that truly cares about the well being of others. I want to be there for people, to fix their problems, for them to know that they can come to me no matter what, however, when it comes to myself I can't open up or fix my own issues. 

I let myself get to a point to where I felt like I couldn't function anymore. The stress of life was eating away at me. Not only was I so unhappy with all these repressed feelings, I was a bitter and angry person. I knew the way I felt was affecting every aspect of my life and tried every day to fix it, but nothing helped. No matter how many times I woke up with the "today's a great day!" attitude, something would happen and I would snap. One day when Shane and I were arguing I told him that my children would be better off without me. I was failing as a mom and truly believed they didn't need me. I didn't know how I had gotten to that point, and I realized then that no matter how hard I tried to help myself it wasn't working.

Admitting that there was a problem was one of the hardest things I've done. Like I said, I'm a perfectionist and the feeling of failing was not easy to accept. (BTW, hiding the problem doesn't make it go away, I've tried that route...) Going to the doctor, sitting down, and saying out loud that I needed help made me want to throw up. However, it had to be done. I made that decision and stuck to it. Hearing someone else tell me I needed a lifestyle change hit me hard, my plate was full and I needed to scrape some things off in the trash. Learning to love myself wasn't going to happen overnight, but I know eventually it will. 

I want to tell you this: Depression sucks. Plain and simple. If you're struggling in any way, know you're not alone. Don't isolate yourself from others, and confide in someone you wholeheartedly trust. Realize when you're overwhelmed and get things off your chest. Make time to do things that you love, and do them passionately. Running has become a way I can clear my head, prioritize my never ending lists, and at the end of the day helps me feel accomplished for each mile that I gain. 

Speaking about this was never what I intended. However, I hope that I can make in impact, even if it's on one person.