A lesson in romantics

...She's got broken things, where her heart should be...

Once upon a time, I believed in fairy tales. I believed in a knight in shining armor, being swept off my feet, and living happily ever after. (...and a castle in the woods, talking dishes, and a library bigger than I could imagine. Thanks Disney.) I wanted to dance around in that massive gold ball gown with the person who needed help loving and seeing their potential. I wanted to be their rock, not realizing I needed one too. While I may not have done life the Belle way, reality is, I still gave up so much of myself for someone else. I'm not blaming anyone, I willingly did so to make that person my number one. I forgot that taking care of others meant taking care of myself...loving myself...being happy with myself. All the choices along the way, whether I wanted them or not, led me to where I am today. I knew from the beginning that marriage would be work and ours didn't even start off great. However, I vowed I would pour my heart and soul into it because I loved him and for the longest time, I did just that. As the years went by and life became more chaotic, our daily routine became the norm. The feeling of loneliness slowly started creeping in and eventually I was suffocating. I could go in to detail, but I'll save you the boredom. Here's where I went wrong. First off, I know I'm a bitch. There's no denying it. I have this mean sarcastic humor, I'm a bit of a control freak, and I'm positive I'm difficult to live with. Second, I SUCK AT COMMUNICATION. For reals, I suck. When something bothers me, I keep it inside. It's better for me to not show my emotions or not talk about things, instead of resolving issues. I certainly am not taking the blame for everything that happened and should have happened during our marriage, but I am taking away a lot of life lessons. I may not ever be ready for this again, but if I am, I hope that the same mistakes aren't made...on either end. Reminder to self: nothing is fool proof.   

People change and life is unpredictable. I know that the process of letting go of the bitterness, embracing my imperfections, and learning to be alone is going to take time, but I hope that as the kids grow they can see how much I truly did love their dad. 

Relationships are 50/50.  It's hard to feel like you're giving more than you're getting, and when the love and respect are lacking, well...

That light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train

As I sit here writing my research paper for my final night of Experimental Psychology, I felt the need to procrastinate a bit. 

Ok, you know me, I always procrastinate, that's how I roll...

 It's not like my paper is due at midnight or anything.

 I was thinking about how crazy these last few years have been and how far I really have come. When I was younger I had this vision of how my life would be, but obviously, things didn't end up that way. Maybe these things happened for a reason, or maybe it's because of the good and bad choices I made. Whatever the case, I'm here...a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, an employee, and most of the time stressed the fuck out because I try to balance it all. 

I remember, a little over 3 years ago, when I took a drastic leap and enrolled at GCU to {FINALLY} finish my degree. I got the crazy looks and the "you'll never finish" talks. How was I going to do this on top of everything else going on in my life? Like for real, I had 3 kids under the age of 5...what was I thinking?? I knew I couldn't let myself down. I knew I wanted my kids to see that no matter how crazy life can be, you can achieve anything you put your mind to. AND I sure as hell wanted to prove people wrong. (guess what, I am.) HOLLA! 4 classes left and my "I'm just winging it" 3.5 GPA...I can see graduation right around the corner. Information has been requested, unofficial transcripts in the works for review, and by the end of the year, application for Naturopathic Medicine school has to be completed. Who knows if that is where I'll end up, but when you're passionate about something, make it a priority. 

My moral of the story is this, don't let things or people define you. Don't settle for mediocre. And certainly don't give up on the things you once wanted just because life got in the way. Embrace the good, the bad, the suck, and move forward. The only reason you should be looking back is to see how far you've come. 

No title is as good as any title

Tonight, I remembered I had a blog. 

I went through and read all my old posts (published and unpublished), and relived every feeling I had while writing them. Some were good, some were bad, but wow...what a roller coaster. 2015 was one big battle within myself and I am SO GLAD that it is behind me. My 30s list, well, I sorta bombed that. I crossed some things off, but am I upset that I didn't accomplish everything? Hell to the no. I know the drive within myself to reach my goals, and I will continue to take these baby steps on this long road to health, happiness, self-love, and self-worth. Every new day is a fresh start. Wipe the slate clean (or try to clean up your messes from the day before) and be a better person than you were yesterday. 

**cue Elsa**

p.s. the cold does bother me. that's why i live in the desert.

I'm sure 2016 is going to come with it's own challenges, but it's also going to be the BEST. YEAR. EVER. Want my advice? Whatever, I'm giving it to you anyways. Spend more time with family, veg out in front of the TV all weekend, and take that vacation you've been talking about. Step outside of your comfort zone and try something new, you may even like it. 

...and if you touch the butt, I want to know about it. :D