Message in a bottle, or blogpost. Same thing.

So, I started making a video to share with you, but it's weird watching myself. Instead, you just get to read my words and I'll spare you from looking at my silliness. 

I came across a question last week that said "If you had 30 seconds to share something with the world, what would it be?" I loved that question so much I figured I'd take my 30 seconds and run with it. (Warning: this may or may not be longer than 30 seconds. Don't judge, or read faster.)

First of all, I know many of you have been following my posts on Facebook and Instagram, and have seen a different side of me lately. You've had a glimpse at some of my struggles, and have watched me kick some of my doubts right in the ass. There's been highs, lows, and LOTS of soul searching going on over here. It's been a difficult road but I can tell you this, I truly have found my passion again. Deep down I knew I was capable of so much more, I just couldn't find my motivation. It wasn't that I didn't want the change, it was that I wasn't making any decisions to change. I feel like signing up for this crazy trail run (which I still want to puke about by the way) was the first step. I needed to prove to myself that I AM A BADASS, so I needed to start living like one! The countdown to Kansas is on and all I can think about is crossing that finish line...or my brother carrying me. Whichever works, right? 

Ok, getting back to my "sharing with the world" story...

I really believe that if you're struggling with who you are, tired of going with the flow of life, or just don't know what you're passionate about anymore, look for it. 

Search. 

Dig deep.

Go out and try new things. 

Make time. 

Live a little! 

It can be scary, but in the end it's worth it. If you're serious about changing your life and becoming the badass you truly are, you'll find a way to do it. If not, continue on with your excuses. Trust me when I say this, only you can decide to be happy. 

Real and uncensored

I was reading over my blog posts the last few months and there's one thing that stuck out. It's something that I have been talking about for a while and that something is change. I vowed to myself that I was going to start doing things that make me happy, and I knew some of those things weren't going to be easy. You see, I've fought with my inner demons for as long as I can remember. I've always strived for perfection, yet constantly beat myself up. It's a daily battle. I've always felt like I haven't been good enough for anyone or anything for that matter. I am the type of person that truly cares about the well being of others. I want to be there for people, to fix their problems, for them to know that they can come to me no matter what, however, when it comes to myself I can't open up or fix my own issues. 

I let myself get to a point to where I felt like I couldn't function anymore. The stress of life was eating away at me. Not only was I so unhappy with all these repressed feelings, I was a bitter and angry person. I knew the way I felt was affecting every aspect of my life and tried every day to fix it, but nothing helped. No matter how many times I woke up with the "today's a great day!" attitude, something would happen and I would snap. One day when Shane and I were arguing I told him that my children would be better off without me. I was failing as a mom and truly believed they didn't need me. I didn't know how I had gotten to that point, and I realized then that no matter how hard I tried to help myself it wasn't working.

Admitting that there was a problem was one of the hardest things I've done. Like I said, I'm a perfectionist and the feeling of failing was not easy to accept. (BTW, hiding the problem doesn't make it go away, I've tried that route...) Going to the doctor, sitting down, and saying out loud that I needed help made me want to throw up. However, it had to be done. I made that decision and stuck to it. Hearing someone else tell me I needed a lifestyle change hit me hard, my plate was full and I needed to scrape some things off in the trash. Learning to love myself wasn't going to happen overnight, but I know eventually it will. 

I want to tell you this: Depression sucks. Plain and simple. If you're struggling in any way, know you're not alone. Don't isolate yourself from others, and confide in someone you wholeheartedly trust. Realize when you're overwhelmed and get things off your chest. Make time to do things that you love, and do them passionately. Running has become a way I can clear my head, prioritize my never ending lists, and at the end of the day helps me feel accomplished for each mile that I gain. 

Speaking about this was never what I intended. However, I hope that I can make in impact, even if it's on one person. 

Teardrops on my guitar...if I owned one.

Wow, the last time I posted something was over a month ago! My poor blog, I'm sorry I've neglected you. I told myself I would keep up with this and need to because a) it was something I've always wanted to do and 2) it's cheaper than therapy. (Lord knows I'm far from perfect, so really, why go vent to someone when I can write to all of those who won't read this?) I'm definitely feeling like a girl lately, where I just need to take a time out and sob hysterically, then suck it up and move on. Everything, and I mean everything, is getting to me. Major problem: I don't let people in. I may look ok on the outside and everything seems picture perfect, but I'm a pro at pretending. Listen, I know what you're thinking. It's ok. This is just me and I've always been this way. Even the closest people in my life don't know how I feel or what is going on inside my head half of the time. Flaw #1.

It drives me insane when people ask me what is wrong when I'm not smiling. Everyone is entitled to their bad days and just because I'm having one doesn't mean I want to talk about. Eventually I'll get over it. I'm sure you have your own way of dealing, right? I know that I'm my own worst enemy. I also think too much, and maybe I'm too in depth and passionate about things or people. Flaw #2

Music has always been my outlet, it helps heal my soul. I know I can always blast some tunes, sing at the top of my lungs, and escape in the lyrics and beats for a bit. Let's talk about stress, baby, let's talk about...how I told myself I wasn't going to sweat the little things anymore, or big things for that matter. Um, hello...still do. Life, love, and the pursuit of happiness is flat out frustrating. Stress and I have been BFFs for a very long time and I don't see us breaking up anytime soon. Flaw #3.

I've disappointed myself lately. I really need to get my ass in gear with my 30s list, like now. I've only crossed a couple things off so far and that's not ok. My head has been elsewhere and I need to refocus. I've lost sight of things. Flaw #4.

(Please note: I have many flaws, not just 4.) 

Here's me, currently taking a step back and time to breathe, adjusting my lens, and taking another shot. Cause sometimes the first few aren't the best. 

All you had to do was, stay.

"Here you are now

calling me up

but I don't know what to say"

Ok, sorry...got off on a little T.S. kick there. Maybe since it's Girl Scout season I should have started off with a song I learned way back when... 

"Make new friends, but keep the old

one is silver and the other's gold

a circle's round it has no end

that's how long I want to be your friend"

Hold on, what am I thinking. Now I just want to eat Girl Scout cookies and that wasn't my point. (Beware! The little devils are at every grocery store, on every corner, and even pulling wagons around your neighborhood as I type.)

I'm sure we all have gone through this...losing or letting go of people only to reconnect with them later in life. For whatever reason, fall outs happen. Nowadays, Facebook is our biggest tool for finding individuals, even if we don't want to. "People you may know" is more like people you may not want to add.(Ok, maybe that's just me.) However, there are those that you come across that make your heart happy. 

Over the years I've made new friends and definitely lost some along the way. There were those friends of mine that, ultimately, we grew apart, and others I knew their presence was unhealthy. No matter how bad I wanted them to change, I knew I had to cut them out of my life. Yet, lately (ok, not lately...the last few years) I have felt like every time I realize a "new" friend I've made isn't friend material, someone from my past pops up. We reconnect and it's as though no time has passed. They fill two voids at once. (For the record, not all new friends are shitty. You know who you are.)

About 11 years ago I learned the hard way about regrets when I lost a close friend in a car accident. Things were left unsaid and I wish I could go back in time but I can't. Fortunately I was given the opportunity to "connect" with this friend back in September, and having someone (who knew nothing about what happened) tell me things helped ease the pain. It's taken me up until now to let go of the guilt I felt for never reconnecting or being able to say I'm sorry. 

When people come back in to my life it makes me wonder. Do they have things they need to get off their chest and their own issues they need to sort out? Why did we grow apart in the first place? Did we need time to grow up and get our lives together? For whatever reason...forgive, forget, and hope I'm forgiven as well. I know I'm not a great friend, but a new decade for me means trying to be.  

Lesson of the day:
If you have regrets and need to make peace, 

or even feel the urge to reconnect with someone, 

DO IT. 

Like, now. 

Tomorrow is never guaranteed. 

Girl Scouts honor.

Thug Life, Thug Wife

First of all I want to say, happy 2015. I'm only 19 days late, but I hope you've made the best out of them. I decided to skip the resolutions (because who really follows through anyways?) and stick to my 30 while 30 list. I'm happy to say I've crossed two off so far, go me! I'm also happy that 2014 is in the past. 

Lesson from your dog: no matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that shit and move on. 

This year is going to rock and my 30th year of living is going to be AWESOME!! 

Ok, totally going to put my cousin on blast here. I won't name any names, but if she reads this she'll totally know I'm talking about her...

For the past couple of years I've read her posts, all cheery and upbeat, and they have made me want to put my head through a wall. Fact: I was happy for her and where her life was going, but I couldn't understand how someone could be so fucking positive all the time. Like seriously, who does that? IT'S NOT NORMAL!!! We all have bad days, stop pretending you don't. :P Fast forward to December 15th, 2014: I turned 30 and something changed. I let so much petty bullshit get to me for so long and I'm not doing that anymore. Finding the positive in every day may mean figuring out how to channel my anger elsewhere, removing myself from situations, or letting go of people in my life, but I'm now waking up every day wanting to make the best of it. I'm definitely not going with the flow anymore, I'm done with that speed. I deserve it, and my kids deserve it. Period. Rant over. 

Now, back to the real reason for this post. I wanted to share with those that may be hiding their inner thug and too afraid to unleash it. My brother just purchased the Thug Kitchen Cookbook for my sister-in-law, and being a true thug I would just go steal it from her...but I'm trying to be better than that. If you know me, I'm not one for cooking (although I do make some pretty mean sink noodles!), however, Thug Kitchen looks absolutely hilarious and I feel like it speaks right to me. Hell, their whole website is amazing. 

"Welcome to Thug Kitchen, bitches." 

(...they had me at bitches...)

It's vegan and vulgar. So. Awesome. 

Check it out: http://www.thugkitchen.com/teaser

I'm ready for the fam to eat like we give a fuck and I'm super excited for this to be in the house. Hmm...I think my mom may need this as well...

Keep it thug and ish until next time.