Teardrops on my guitar...if I owned one.

Wow, the last time I posted something was over a month ago! My poor blog, I'm sorry I've neglected you. I told myself I would keep up with this and need to because a) it was something I've always wanted to do and 2) it's cheaper than therapy. (Lord knows I'm far from perfect, so really, why go vent to someone when I can write to all of those who won't read this?) I'm definitely feeling like a girl lately, where I just need to take a time out and sob hysterically, then suck it up and move on. Everything, and I mean everything, is getting to me. Major problem: I don't let people in. I may look ok on the outside and everything seems picture perfect, but I'm a pro at pretending. Listen, I know what you're thinking. It's ok. This is just me and I've always been this way. Even the closest people in my life don't know how I feel or what is going on inside my head half of the time. Flaw #1.

It drives me insane when people ask me what is wrong when I'm not smiling. Everyone is entitled to their bad days and just because I'm having one doesn't mean I want to talk about. Eventually I'll get over it. I'm sure you have your own way of dealing, right? I know that I'm my own worst enemy. I also think too much, and maybe I'm too in depth and passionate about things or people. Flaw #2

Music has always been my outlet, it helps heal my soul. I know I can always blast some tunes, sing at the top of my lungs, and escape in the lyrics and beats for a bit. Let's talk about stress, baby, let's talk about...how I told myself I wasn't going to sweat the little things anymore, or big things for that matter. Um, hello...still do. Life, love, and the pursuit of happiness is flat out frustrating. Stress and I have been BFFs for a very long time and I don't see us breaking up anytime soon. Flaw #3.

I've disappointed myself lately. I really need to get my ass in gear with my 30s list, like now. I've only crossed a couple things off so far and that's not ok. My head has been elsewhere and I need to refocus. I've lost sight of things. Flaw #4.

(Please note: I have many flaws, not just 4.) 

Here's me, currently taking a step back and time to breathe, adjusting my lens, and taking another shot. Cause sometimes the first few aren't the best. 

All you had to do was, stay.

"Here you are now

calling me up

but I don't know what to say"

Ok, sorry...got off on a little T.S. kick there. Maybe since it's Girl Scout season I should have started off with a song I learned way back when... 

"Make new friends, but keep the old

one is silver and the other's gold

a circle's round it has no end

that's how long I want to be your friend"

Hold on, what am I thinking. Now I just want to eat Girl Scout cookies and that wasn't my point. (Beware! The little devils are at every grocery store, on every corner, and even pulling wagons around your neighborhood as I type.)

I'm sure we all have gone through this...losing or letting go of people only to reconnect with them later in life. For whatever reason, fall outs happen. Nowadays, Facebook is our biggest tool for finding individuals, even if we don't want to. "People you may know" is more like people you may not want to add.(Ok, maybe that's just me.) However, there are those that you come across that make your heart happy. 

Over the years I've made new friends and definitely lost some along the way. There were those friends of mine that, ultimately, we grew apart, and others I knew their presence was unhealthy. No matter how bad I wanted them to change, I knew I had to cut them out of my life. Yet, lately (ok, not lately...the last few years) I have felt like every time I realize a "new" friend I've made isn't friend material, someone from my past pops up. We reconnect and it's as though no time has passed. They fill two voids at once. (For the record, not all new friends are shitty. You know who you are.)

About 11 years ago I learned the hard way about regrets when I lost a close friend in a car accident. Things were left unsaid and I wish I could go back in time but I can't. Fortunately I was given the opportunity to "connect" with this friend back in September, and having someone (who knew nothing about what happened) tell me things helped ease the pain. It's taken me up until now to let go of the guilt I felt for never reconnecting or being able to say I'm sorry. 

When people come back in to my life it makes me wonder. Do they have things they need to get off their chest and their own issues they need to sort out? Why did we grow apart in the first place? Did we need time to grow up and get our lives together? For whatever reason...forgive, forget, and hope I'm forgiven as well. I know I'm not a great friend, but a new decade for me means trying to be.  

Lesson of the day:
If you have regrets and need to make peace, 

or even feel the urge to reconnect with someone, 

DO IT. 

Like, now. 

Tomorrow is never guaranteed. 

Girl Scouts honor.

Thug Life, Thug Wife

First of all I want to say, happy 2015. I'm only 19 days late, but I hope you've made the best out of them. I decided to skip the resolutions (because who really follows through anyways?) and stick to my 30 while 30 list. I'm happy to say I've crossed two off so far, go me! I'm also happy that 2014 is in the past. 

Lesson from your dog: no matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that shit and move on. 

This year is going to rock and my 30th year of living is going to be AWESOME!! 

Ok, totally going to put my cousin on blast here. I won't name any names, but if she reads this she'll totally know I'm talking about her...

For the past couple of years I've read her posts, all cheery and upbeat, and they have made me want to put my head through a wall. Fact: I was happy for her and where her life was going, but I couldn't understand how someone could be so fucking positive all the time. Like seriously, who does that? IT'S NOT NORMAL!!! We all have bad days, stop pretending you don't. :P Fast forward to December 15th, 2014: I turned 30 and something changed. I let so much petty bullshit get to me for so long and I'm not doing that anymore. Finding the positive in every day may mean figuring out how to channel my anger elsewhere, removing myself from situations, or letting go of people in my life, but I'm now waking up every day wanting to make the best of it. I'm definitely not going with the flow anymore, I'm done with that speed. I deserve it, and my kids deserve it. Period. Rant over. 

Now, back to the real reason for this post. I wanted to share with those that may be hiding their inner thug and too afraid to unleash it. My brother just purchased the Thug Kitchen Cookbook for my sister-in-law, and being a true thug I would just go steal it from her...but I'm trying to be better than that. If you know me, I'm not one for cooking (although I do make some pretty mean sink noodles!), however, Thug Kitchen looks absolutely hilarious and I feel like it speaks right to me. Hell, their whole website is amazing. 

"Welcome to Thug Kitchen, bitches." 

(...they had me at bitches...)

It's vegan and vulgar. So. Awesome. 

Check it out: http://www.thugkitchen.com/teaser

I'm ready for the fam to eat like we give a fuck and I'm super excited for this to be in the house. Hmm...I think my mom may need this as well...

Keep it thug and ish until next time. 

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

...with the kids jingle belling 

and everyone telling you "Be of good cheer!" 

it's the most wonderful time of the year.

I don't know about you, but I {heart} Christmas. That may or may not have to do with my love of shopping, but whatever. Giving gifts to others, listening to my kids sing Christmas songs and talk about the birth of Jesus, and the weather in Arizona makes me happy! Obviously, cause it's the most wonderful time of the year. However, it's hard to always be in good cheer when your children go from singing Christmas songs to little psychos. PSYCHOS. They know Santa Claus is coming to town so they make a plot... 

"Hey, let's see how bad we can be before our names really go on the naughty list!!!" 

...they fight, they break things, they destroy the house and refuse to clean up, they yell and talk back. They drive me crazy. (As I type this, Lincoln is trying to hit Finley with a hockey stick.) 

I recently saw a post on Facebook where a mom canceled Christmas for her kids. No presents, no stockings, no Santa. This lady gained serious points in my book, and I must follow in her footsteps when my kids are a little older and can truly understand the importance of giving. 

Until then, Santa sits on a thrown of lies. There's room for everyone on the nice list, even my three little heathens.  

The dirty 30

One month from today I'll be 30. 

Seriously...30. WTF?

I think about everything that has happened in the last 30 years and let me just say this: holy hell, time flies. I feel like somewhere between 20 and now, I lost myself. Ok, I'm just going to be honest here and blame life. Shit happens, but not everything has been shitty. I've had a lot of good times, but I've also had a lot of bad. Fast forward and BAM!...Marriage, kids, work, finishing up degrees that should have been finished by now. The fact is, I NEVER MAKE TIME FOR MYSELF.

Am I a bad wife when I don't want to spend time with my husband? Am I a bad mom when I don't want to play with my kids? Am I a bad person when I ignore phone calls from my friends and family?

Hashtag, the struggle IS real. It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm not being selfish when I need to be alone. So, if I've offended you lately I want you to know this...it's not you, it's me.

A new decade means new battles, but also new adventures. I'm tired of running away to Target when I need a break, and I'm actually there A LOT. Going with the flow of life just isn't cutting it for me anymore and that's why I'm using 30 as an excuse to find myself again. I'm going to do things that make me happy, things I've wanted to do for a while but never made the time for. This blog, for example, is one of them. I can voice my opinion, write about whatever I want, and it's cheaper than therapy. Self-centered? I don't care.


My 30 things to do while 30 list...

-Take up kickboxing
-Take singing lessons
-Volunteer 
-Take a girls trip with my mom and sister (THIS is becoming a yearly thing. SO. MUCH. FUN.) 
-Train and run in a marathon (or half, or 5k, because let's face it, I'll probably die) <-Probably one of the most rewarding things I've done. 
-Skydive
-Add a few more tattoos
-Visit family in Massachusetts during the summer (<-are they still family???) 
-^Wear a bikini on vacation above. (Pretty sure the closest thing I'll ever get to said bikini is what I wore this summer, the summer of '17. So I'm a few years late, whatfuckingever.)
-Go snowboarding 
-Surprise someone
-Plant a garden, and don't let it die  (So...my plants eventually died. But I have oranges so I get an A for trying.)
-Spend the night in a haunted place  (Done! 12/23/14. Creepy!!!) 
-Adopt a family next Christmas (Ok, this was half-assed. But we still helped out)
-Do more DIY projects
-Go hunting with my dad
-Tour the school of naturopathy
-Do a photo shoot with Red Light Shoppe (check her out on facebook, uh-mazing!)
-Read more books (Lots of personal development are on the list!) 
-Unplug, and often (I need to do more of this. Like ASAP)
-Go to more concerts
-Overcome a fear (my fear of cats is slowly going away. lol) 
-Pay off some debt
-Complete a juice cleanse
-Practice my photography
-Start a retirement fund (blah!) (And when you're broke af, you pull it all out. lol)
-Take the kids to the Grand Canyon and Bearizona
-For the love of brew, start a club (any excuse to drink) 
-Take a painting class   
-Meditate (Taking a few classes at my gym. Definitely recommend!) 

Think about your life and what you're doing. Do you ever take time out for yourself? Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate (you know I love me some Taylor Swift)...so put a smile on your face and your middle finger in the air. Get out there and enjoy life, we only get one. Your happiness starts with you! 

It happened

After finishing up some homework, getting the kids settled in to bed, and decorating the house for my soon to be 4-year-old, I sat down tonight with one goal in mind; create this blog. In the midst of my researching, generating, and complaining about coming up with a name, my sister called me. I whined to her a bit about how I was having a difficult time originating something that felt right, and after laughing and throwing other ideas up in the air she said "What about under the influence?" 

OMG Becky! Love. That. Name. So fitting, so me. 

I don't care who you are, or what you do, you're under the influence of something. 

-love

-religion

-money

-greed

-peers

-sex

-music

-drugs

-alcohol  

...the list goes on. 

**Think about it**

And just like that, BAM. Shannon's blog was born. You're welcome.